im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
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No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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