There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
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Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
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I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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