I have demons in me.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
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God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
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Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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