I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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