Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
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I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
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My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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