best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize