my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
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I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
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The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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