So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
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I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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