drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you traded sex for a burrito?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
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I miss vodka workout Fridays
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
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You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
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