Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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