I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
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Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
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I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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