I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
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Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
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You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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