So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
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Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
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So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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