I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found your dick twin last night
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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