Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
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That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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