Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
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I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
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Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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