as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize