Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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