my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
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the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
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Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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