Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
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i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
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These people don't understand my stages of drunk
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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