I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
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And the cops told us we were all naked.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
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antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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