Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize