Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize