If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
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