The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
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He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
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we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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