U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
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K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
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It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
sex in a hospital.. check
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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