my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize