Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
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Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
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We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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