I just pynch a tree in the face
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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