i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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