I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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