I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
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Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
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Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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