I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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