Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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