New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize