I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize