It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
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Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
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Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
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