Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
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He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
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Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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