We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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