My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
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You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
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New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
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