I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
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I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
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So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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