Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
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He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
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Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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