Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
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nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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