I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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