Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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