I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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