I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
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We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
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I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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