The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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