How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
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That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
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I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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