Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
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He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
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No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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